Ignoring Math Rules is a Math Rule? and Moon India


, , ,

In Draco’s math class, Draco has learned that to answer word problems and do math you have to ignore what makes sense and just do whatever you want till it makes the answer you want. Say you have a function that isn’t a function. Normally if you got that function you’d say it wasn’t one but in Draco’s math class you ignore that and graph it anyway. Say you have to find the perimeter of a window. you’d think you’d want to find only the outside but no you just find a bunch of inside measurements.

Draco watched a documentary about William Randolph Hearst and Citizen Kane. It was like other documentaries but Draco did learn a valuable tip. You don’t have to be the first to write about something; you just have to do so in a way that makes it seem like you were. Though now Draco realizes that’s exactly what John Oliver is doing with Last Week Tonight. Maybe that’s the secret to success. In order to succeed Draco will follow their example and report to you, the reader some breaking news. According to reports it would seem that NASA has landed a man on the Moon. Sure some of you will doubt the authenticity of this report but do not fear. It was definitely not just a sound stage*wink wink*. Anyway, first man on the Moon, Christopher Columbus had to say “I have finally found India after all these years”. Sadly famed explorer was once again mistaken and India is still a mysterious country that no one has ever found. We will have to settle for the Moon and it’s cheese rather than rich abundant spices. That is all from Breaking News With Draco. Good Night. Unless you’re reading this at morning or afternoon. If you are reading at those times well good that time. If you’re reading this outside of time and space you’re amazing and should pat yourself on your back assuming that’s still possible.

All You Winged Creatures Look The Same and Celebrating Insignificant Events


, , ,

Well since Draco forgot the completely interesting topic for this post we will start with an apology to Bravely Default. Apparently in the murder mystery part you can accuse the dead body if you click it 17 times. To make up for it Draco will list a positive that is very spoiler-y but also a pretty big social issue. In the beginning that fairy that guilts you into saving the world and playing is revealed to not be the little fairy Airy that guides you and complains when you do anything other than the main quest. The fact that this is a twist when the two look adequately different proves that people think fairies all look the same. That’s pretty offensive. They planned a twist which depended on people not being able to tell the difference between two distinct characters just because of the species. That’s social commentary right there.

So there are many things these days to be worried about. Luckily there are also many things to celebrate.  Draco is celebrating having Big Brother Winner Dan Gheesling respond to a YouTube Comment. Is it kind of a pointless thing to celebrate? Probably. Is Draco really happy about it? Yes.


Chrisley Knows Something Probably but It’s Not That Great, and Bravely Defaulting On All of Your Loans


, , , ,

Draco no longer knows such convenience as a convenience store within walking distance or a computer that is top of the line. But inconvenience such as a top of the line computer in 2003 no longer working all the time will not hold Draco back from blogging. Admittedly it did that twice but it can’t do it forever.

One thing that has been bothering Draco is that according to Comcast Chrisley Knows Best is the best Reality show since Honey Boo Boo. Not only does Draco disagree with any attempt to call the show good but Draco also is astonished that anyone would use best and Honey Boo Boo in a sentence other than is not the best. This lead Draco to the original organization that said the disgusting phrase. Now Draco suspects it was sarcasm and Comcast didn’t understand that when they used it. This mean +1 point for humanity and +1 point for lazy people.

Draco started playing Bravely Default[EXPECT SPOILERS AND SUCH] in those precious minutes of free time. Draco must say that it does many things right. For those who don’t know about it, it basically every other turn based Japanese role-playing game but with a great story. For those who don’t know what that is, it’s a medieval game where you run in circles for 60 hours and stab living jello in the face to get money. Anyway the story is great and the main character, Ringabel( The main character is actually a girl named Agnes but she is far to stoic to count.) is so well written and lovable you just want to rip him out of the game and give him a bro hug. While the writing may be great there are a few problems in the story that Draco is going to lay down for you right here, audience.

Problem 1: During the story you find this windy nation(Chicago) where all the wind has vanished and now everyone is going to die. Eventually you restore their windyness and the people of Chicago love you. Sadly Chicago’s King does not and claims that the wind is till not there even though he is wearing a cape that is literally being blown by the wind. Did no one see this? His subjects were looking directly at him but still wouldn’t believe it until the oversized windmill started up. Honestly animator person who wanted to do a flowing cape, make sure it’s story appropriate.

Problem 2:Eventually you must go to a temple of fire. This fire temple is obviously underwater(it’s in a volcano). Draco actually feels the need to state that without the parenthesis as well; it’s in a volcano. Anyway this temple was a place a worship and yet it’s at least 50 feet underground and in a volcano. Supposedly the path to the temple above ground was blocked and you have to go through this underthing but somehow you end up on the ground floor of the temple. Draco is going to assume it wasn’t just people being to lazy o make the player go through 5 flights of stairs and that the temple is actually that far underground. That opens the question, why did they build it there and how did people get there in the first place. The main entrance is clearly linked to the underthing’s tunnel so why and how did the presumably inebriated architect get a job? This means the level designer was most likely just being lazy.

Problem 3: Probably the weakest problem but they do a murder mystery bit and don’t let you actually solve anything. Sure it’s a story but Draco, Ringabel, and Shawn Spencer from Psych knew the victim was the killer. They tried to divert us but we knew that the maid had faked her own death to distract us and pick everyone off one by one. Murder Mystery Rule #1 should be always behead the body. That way you know it’s actually dead. Actually people should just behead bodies. Everyone is all on about zombie apocalypses and such well it you behead the dead they aren’t going to break your bunker down now will they? Anyway they should have made it a little more interactive. Not a necessity but it would have been a nicety.

Problem 4: This isn’t really a problem but it made Draco feel a bit bad. The open with the cutest little fairy and it stars saying “Oh no, something bad, you’ll help right? I sense you’re the nicest and would never dream of not playing right now. I’m relying on you so please help Draco. I hear you’re the best and you’re the only one who can help. I mean if you don’t want to help that’s fine but we will all die and I’d be really disappointed. I understand either way.  Have a wonderful day you wonderful person you.” Immediately in Draco felt compelled to play all the time out of sheer guilt. They actually made the plea believable but it wasn’t some desperate plea it was a plea with the knowledge that Draco is a good person and he will help you no matter what. You can’t say no to a plea like that. That’s a plea you’ll get from a best friend who’s known you forever and knows they can rely on you. It was honestly hard to quit the game because it felt like abandoning a friend in need.

Claiming lands and Thanking the Academy


, , , ,

So now a large portion of the pacific ocean is protected by the United States. Draco hadn’t realized you could claim areas that sort of belong to everyone. Now there was a treaty passed that says you can’t claim empty space so Draco isn’t planning on doing that. Draco is planning on claiming very sparsely filled space. You see Outer Space is not actually empty. Therefore that treaty does not apply. Draco hereby claims Outer Space in all it’s not empty glory for Draconia. You want to go to mars? You gotta pay a toll buddy.

Draco hasn’t been able to blog lately because of these classes and their ceaseless requests for work. Draco still isn’t sure why the math class has both an online and ground component but luckily Khan Academy will make sure Draco does well. Thank you Khan Academy for teaching Draco maths well. It’s funny because Draco’s kooky Political Science Teacher introduced Draco to it. You’d have thought a Math teacher would have but whatever. The Poli-sci teacher also taught Draco to bury all the gold you own and then when you’re grandchildren want to fight over it make some sort of complicated riddle that they have to solve. Truly a wise sage of wisdom.

By “Your Hair Looks Nice” You Basically Mean “You Kick Puppies” You Terrible Person You, And Subliminal Comic Murder


, , , ,

Taking a leap of faith can be useful. “You really like this shower curtain with the dolphin on it? Well you’ll probably love this dolphin shaped soap dispenser”. That’s an ok jump right there. The hypothetical person seems to like bathroom items and dolphins so recommending a dolphin themed bathroom item is  perfectly reasonable. Today Draco read a not reasonable leap. This person was told they appear to have lost weight and were offended and said that it was just as offensive as if the person said oh you look very white today. That is a ridiculous jump more akin to “oh your name is Kevin; you must really like potatoes in a really demented and obsessive way”. The person admittedly wondered if they had gone a little (they went way too far) to far but still they were fine with it and it was even featured. That teaches anyone who wants to be featured that all they have to do is make ridiculous jumps. “Oh you wear buttons, you must love child labor then”. That’s a ridiculous claim, now watch the sheep flock in. Feel as an army of misguided fool starts tearing the button industry apart. It’ll be glorious and also really depressing and will hopefully never happen. Hopefully the misguided fools read to the end and didn’t just storm off at the quote. Imagine if they did just storm off. That would be bad.

Bitstrips Murder

Bitstrips is a really cheap comic thingy which can sometimes be cute. They all have these backgrounds which you can pick from and this is a recent one. This was supposed to be a joke about being lazy but look in the red rectangle Draco made for you. What does that look like you ask? a hand.

At the precipice of death I reached out; an empty attempt to stave off the jackals. While I have failed at least I made it into a comic poking fun at fast food eaters. That hath made this quest, and my life worth it.

It looks like someone is getting their last breath in while your character considers forgoing a healthier option. Honestly what the heck is this? Draco means there is distinct fingers. Someone actually had to intentionally do that. Weirdos.


Crying and Sky Polo


, , ,

So Draco has returned to a life of college-ing. It’s sad because 11 AM is no longer early in the morning. Hopefully someday 11 AM will return to being early in the morning but as of now there are roosters and whatever else is associated with early morning. Worms for instance. Speaking of worms Draco is doing calculus. It seemed hard at first but then Draco realized that Draco was doing next weeks work and that Draco in the past wouldn’t know how to do it. It’s funny when you don’t know how to do math because you’ve never done it before but what ya gunna do? Crying about it may be an option. In fact crying about it is an option in most cases. Making a sandwich? cry about it. Walking on the sidewalk? Cry about it. Crying too much? Cry about it. Unable to cry about it? Cry about it.

Draco heard this sky diving instructor say that sky diving wasn’t actually about jumping out of planes. Never would have guessed that one. Apparently skydiving, also known as a sport where one parachutes out of a plane is not actually about any of that at all. It’s probably bout water polo or some other water related activity. You hear skydiving and you know then and there that it is about water polo. Honestly how Draco didn’t see it before is baffling.

Poking the Reapers and Real Life is Pretty Good at Making Movies


, , , ,

It’s a difficult time right now. There are times when moving forward seems impossible and everything is hopeless. Sadly for hopeless, not moving forward isn’t an option. There is too much invested and too many lives lost. Draco shall not surrender. The enemy seems relentless but using all the will Draco has left Draco shall defeat them. Draco shall win this Facebook Poke War. That Draco swears to you, the reader. Even if Draco’s fingers are turned to dust( If Draco’s fingers are turned to dust in reality Draco would probably give up. Honestly why would you want to hold Draco to any of this? Weirdo. Draco ain’t actually making any promises. This is over-dramatized nonsense so don’t take it at face value.) Draco would keep on poking. Draco is like Commander Shepard waking up in London in a pile of ruble, getting up to use the real Crucible with the one option of actually working with no drawbacks to actually satisfy fans. Draco shall free the galaxy from the cycle of poking by poking the other person so much they stop. Hoorah!

Draco saw Dolphin Tale 2. It had dolphins what more could you want from a movie? Turtles? Well guess what, there was a turtle; your abnormally high standards have been met. Hopefully real life continues to happen so they can continue to base movies off it. Great job real life for making this movie the first time and good job Dolphin Tale 2 on being great too.

On a side note Draco used all of the to/too/two aka 2 forms in one paragraph. Parades are inbound.


Hating on ABC’s Fall Lineup and Annoying Trick Ponies


, ,

Draco saw that Get Away With Murder’s commercial again and this time Draco noticed something that makes the entire concept even more stupid than originally thought. Apparently the students in this class who want to get away with murder were assigned to this class. Now anyone who has been to college has to wonder how does that even work? Why were these people forced to take this class? That isn’t how colleges work. If they committed crimes a court isn’t going to say go take a criminology class. The only class Draco has seen forced on someone is a parenting class and even then they didn’t really have to take the class they just wanted to parent well or just not have child protective services repo their kid. But back on the topic what was the conversation like with this decision maker and the student? “Because you were found guilty of murder we hereby sentence you to take murder class so it never happens again.” Honestly this show is so stupid and the sad part is it’ll probably do well.

Draco saw another commercial (Yes absolutely nothing has happened( it took Draco a week to write a semi-publishable post)) for a comedy called “black*ish”. It’s pretty clear from the commercial that this will be a very high brow show that doesn’t rely 100% on racial comedy.While the commercial may seem at times like they plan on ripping off basically every previous family comedy and abusing the average African American stereotype at every single turn, it will actually — ah Draco can’t do it. Draco was going to pretend like it wasn’t going to do exactly that and undermine the human race but it definitely will. You can see the blatant generalizations they are going to make pretty well. It would have been nice if instead of this the show had said yes they are black but they are also people with three dimensional problems and three dimensional lives but cardboard cutouts are probably cheaper. Draco looked up some info on the show and found out it is also on ABC along with How to Get Away with Murder. It seemed every bad show was going to be on ABC. They also apparently have a show called “Selfie”… In the future people will laugh at this generation for things like this. It’ll be the disco of the era except disco was cool*ish.

Rewriting Reality and The Haystack is its own character


, , ,

Yesterday Draco heard some pretty surprising things. Laws of the universe previously undiscovered by any other societal member.

Football claims to have found a fifth quarter. This is ground breaking science. Football broke every bit of math into pieces. Amazing! Truly Amazing.They’ve found a way to somehow generate a fifth segment from four pieces while somehow keeping it four equal pieces.  That’s the type of technology that can only be made by having a very large person smash their body into another very large person.

Women are firefighters according to a female firefighter. If you’re female you’d better start fighting fires. If you aren’t cooling the flames you are not doing your job. Draco can’t be sure how having two x chromosomes automatically places one into a firefighting role but that’s the magic of science now isn’t it.

Draco was reading other blogs and one post was about 6 game characters who are not well educated. Draco read it and it was very surprising.  They did not mention a single character. Not even one. They just listed 6 groups. One group was the guards from Assassin’s Creed. Now they may not be the brightest but they are all individual characters. Each is irreplaceable. A precious little snowflake each with their own problems and lives.

Probably just the wind

Having an education does not necessarily mean one is observant or even intelligent.

Another group was every character ever. From these findings Draco can conclude that the only one in need of an education was the one who thought every character was one character. If that were true then you could not have a list of six because there is only one character.

Sequel Three, Return of The Forth Sequel, and Tv Watch_List


, , , ,

Draco was on twitter and saw some good cosplay. The thing with the costumes that aren’t on Halloween if you don’t know what that is *cough* Google Chrome Spellchecker *cough*. Anyway Draco started following that person (which sounds creepy without the Twitter context) and they said they were going to see Beverly Hills Chihuahuas 4. Four. The Four installment. Draco remembers a straight to DVD/Bluray sequel but 4? They made a 3 after that? The first one was sorta cute but they did that many? When did all this happen? Did you hear about  any of these sequels reader? Did you keep it a secret from Draco? How dare you, reader Draco has never met. How dare yoooooouuuuuu (Don’t actually feel bad please).

So Draco was planning on finally fixing some mistakes in Draco’s stories so they could actually be shown to people. Naturally Draco ignored all of that and finished Watch_Dogs instead. Draco loved the ending. Well except for Jordi stuff.  The non-specific events there were less than great. All in all Draco has one thing to say about it. CBS, if you want to compete and blow NBC’s Scorpion out of the water and have a show that could last maybe 8 or 9 seasons acquire the rights to Watch_Dogs or collaborate with Ubisoft. Watch_Dogs is exactly your style and the name alone will bring in people. It would be great for you. On a side note ABC you could get it too but honestly you have Agents of Shield and that feels like it fills the slot. You could get it and just lock everyone out but honestly we’re trying to be fair here so don’t be offended by this being targeted at CBS. On a side side note Why does Draco imagine anyone from either would ever read any of this? Maybe FOX will see this but the Big Three not a chance. FOX has been great though lately so woo! Rolling the Tv dice.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 188 other followers