Demanding Apologies for Undeserved Apologies and With Our Insurance You’ll Look Forward to Your Next Accident



Draco’s math teacher apologized for teasing Draco all the time in math class. As of her saying that she had only said Draco’s name 5 times. If a lesson can be learned from this it is that you should remember who you are doing mean things to and apologize to them. Someone out there deserves an apology and will never get it all because the attention they didn’t pay. Sad sad sad. Sad.

Allstate did a commercial on how great new car smell is and how they will buy you a new one. Sure it seems fine but why would you need this new car that they are paying you for? Because you got in an accident. You got in an accident so bad that your car was destroyed and they are blathering on about how fine your replacement car smells. You’re likely very hurt in this scenario and your insurance is frolicking in the perfume of a car. Wanna know what would be nice for an insurance company to offer? A “are you ok?” and a “get well soon”. Draco doesn’t care how lovely the car smells Draco cares that Draco was injured and all you care about is the car. Rude little shtako-head.

Birthday and Assassin’s Creed Rogue is Fine Aside from the Present Day Bullying


, ,

Draco had his birthday the other day. Like most other birthdays someone asked if Draco felt older. One of Draco’s earliest memories was someone asking that very same question. One thing that never changes is that question is completely pointless. It’s nice that they ask but you aren’t going to feel older. People age over time and nothing about it being a birthday makes you accumulate age faster. Draco is older today, tomorrow, and forever until the end of time. “The future was now” as they say.

Using birthday money Draco got Assassin’s Creed Rogue. Playing it reminds Draco just how long it has been since Draco played any Assassin’s Creed. Anyone who has played Black Flag and Rogue will get that they are exactly the same game-wise( actually Black Flag felt a little bit better but oh well) but that really shouldn’t matter. The point of Rogue is the story and so far it seems to meet expectations. If it isn’t broke don’t fix it. It is like how the Mona Lisa is a great painting and the Lady with an Ermine is as well. They’re both paintings by the same da Vinci but each has a very small variation like an Ermine that makes it different and worth more than your entire life savings probably. If you like an adequately enjoyable story ( maybe great haven’t finished) and don’t mind murdering tiny animals (which is hopefully gone in Assassin’s Creed Unity) you’ll enjoy Rogue. Oh ya and there is a mean lady who harasses you in present day. You’ll have to get past that too.

Realism, The Actor Who Plays Foxen Will Get an Oscar, and Good Morn-Noon-Ening


, , ,

They say follow your dreams. You may do that and Draco may do it but sometimes a dream is so stupid or you are so incapable of doing it that really you shouldn’t. The problem with encouraging everyone is that everyone is different and some people are really bad at things. Every time Draco goes on Facebook Draco notices this one acquaintance of some friend talk about how they are going to do things but the thing is they are bad at things. This is why constructive criticism is a good thing. You should do the things you love if you are capable of doing them. Always remember to follow your dreams as long as you are actually able to accomplish them. If you are not capable of accomplishing them go get a new dream more suitable to your talents.

Draco has begun slowly regarding silent things. Also while regarding these silent things Draco bought and started reading The Slow Regard of Silent Things. Some people on Barnes and Nobels little review thing had a hissy fit about it but Draco knows that it is good for at least one reason. If a book can make you care about a little blue basically lantern named Foxen as much as a person then that is a success. Draco has always been a fan of personification and did it almost too much as a child. Anyway this is a book that is truly magical. Not the magical other books slap on to themselves but pure real life magic.

While buying the book a lady in line said “Good morn-noon- whatever time it is. I’m sorry that sounds stupid” but you know what? That really is the perfect greeting. Honestly why must we have multiple greetings for multiple times when one like this will do? This lady was clearly having a stroke of brilliance while stroking earrings hanging on a counter and looking at her feet. Let us stand together as people who have read this paragraph and change the world and how we communicate forever. Draco’ll let you get that done now so please have it on Draco’s desk by morn-noon-ening of next Thursday. Good good.

The Dracoblag Review and Not a Great News Paper Title


, , ,

We’ve entered our second year of Dracoblag and to start things off we will summarize for you, the reader, all the important things that happened last time(based on statistics and opinion). The most important topic on Dracoblag that you need to know about is Home page/ Archives. While it is not an actual topic and the statistic tells nothing of what people are looking at it is still really popular. It is so popular Draco could just cut everything else out and still have around 80% of the readership. the next seat we have the God’s Not Dead commercial review. This post really does encapsulate the spirit of Dracoblag for sure. We took apart this movie with fact and with common sense in a completely unbiased fashion.  It’s clear why this was the most popular post(No it’s not, there were way better posts but oh well that is the power of star power).

2. The first bit of Dracoblag was that we never mentioned Felicia Day once. It was a time when all of the internet would occasionally mention her somewhere. Not Dracoblag though we stuck to other topics and made it an entire year without even having her name in a single post. This is a tradition we will carry well into the future. Remember you will never see the name Felicia Day even once on Dracoblag. That’s a fact.

3. When Draco realized Microsoft was the real life Abstergo from Assassin’s Creed based on their logo it was a scary time. There were guys in suits everywhere and a few ladies too. It was scary how few women were hired to intimidate Draco. Honestly there are millions of women who are well qualified to intimidate Draco with their toughness but they only hire old men from the Reagan era. It’s unfair.

4.Draco’s adventures in space will always be cherished by Draco and the maybe 6 people who read about them.  Even more so now that Draco owns Outer Space. If one thing was to be learned it’s that Chicago has a large amount of beautiful lady people and Winter’s Tale is such a good movie it can keep you from dying. That was two things but odds are you didn’t even notice. Bet you didn’t notice the part where it explains you didn’t notice either.

5. The Whale… We’re not going to talk about it…

6.Remember that time Draco wrote a review blog to avoid having to come up with a real post. Oh the laughs you and Draco had. It was splendid. That hilarious part where Draco realized this was getting long and reviews are the worst episodes of a show so it needed to end. Ya that was great.

Ignoring Math Rules is a Math Rule? and Moon India


, , ,

In Draco’s math class, Draco has learned that to answer word problems and do math you have to ignore what makes sense and just do whatever you want till it makes the answer you want. Say you have a function that isn’t a function. Normally if you got that function you’d say it wasn’t one but in Draco’s math class you ignore that and graph it anyway. Say you have to find the perimeter of a window. you’d think you’d want to find only the outside but no you just find a bunch of inside measurements.

Draco watched a documentary about William Randolph Hearst and Citizen Kane. It was like other documentaries but Draco did learn a valuable tip. You don’t have to be the first to write about something; you just have to do so in a way that makes it seem like you were. Though now Draco realizes that’s exactly what John Oliver is doing with Last Week Tonight. Maybe that’s the secret to success. In order to succeed Draco will follow their example and report to you, the reader some breaking news. According to reports it would seem that NASA has landed a man on the Moon. Sure some of you will doubt the authenticity of this report but do not fear. It was definitely not just a sound stage*wink wink*. Anyway, first man on the Moon, Christopher Columbus had to say “I have finally found India after all these years”. Sadly famed explorer was once again mistaken and India is still a mysterious country that no one has ever found. We will have to settle for the Moon and it’s cheese rather than rich abundant spices. That is all from Breaking News With Draco. Good Night. Unless you’re reading this at morning or afternoon. If you are reading at those times well good that time. If you’re reading this outside of time and space you’re amazing and should pat yourself on your back assuming that’s still possible.

All You Winged Creatures Look The Same and Celebrating Insignificant Events


, , ,

Well since Draco forgot the completely interesting topic for this post we will start with an apology to Bravely Default. Apparently in the murder mystery part you can accuse the dead body if you click it 17 times. To make up for it Draco will list a positive that is very spoiler-y but also a pretty big social issue. In the beginning that fairy that guilts you into saving the world and playing is revealed to not be the little fairy Airy that guides you and complains when you do anything other than the main quest. The fact that this is a twist when the two look adequately different proves that people think fairies all look the same. That’s pretty offensive. They planned a twist which depended on people not being able to tell the difference between two distinct characters just because of the species. That’s social commentary right there.

So there are many things these days to be worried about. Luckily there are also many things to celebrate.  Draco is celebrating having Big Brother Winner Dan Gheesling respond to a YouTube Comment. Is it kind of a pointless thing to celebrate? Probably. Is Draco really happy about it? Yes.


Chrisley Knows Something Probably but It’s Not That Great, and Bravely Defaulting On All of Your Loans


, , , ,

Draco no longer knows such convenience as a convenience store within walking distance or a computer that is top of the line. But inconvenience such as a top of the line computer in 2003 no longer working all the time will not hold Draco back from blogging. Admittedly it did that twice but it can’t do it forever.

One thing that has been bothering Draco is that according to Comcast Chrisley Knows Best is the best Reality show since Honey Boo Boo. Not only does Draco disagree with any attempt to call the show good but Draco also is astonished that anyone would use best and Honey Boo Boo in a sentence other than is not the best. This lead Draco to the original organization that said the disgusting phrase. Now Draco suspects it was sarcasm and Comcast didn’t understand that when they used it. This mean +1 point for humanity and +1 point for lazy people.

Draco started playing Bravely Default[EXPECT SPOILERS AND SUCH] in those precious minutes of free time. Draco must say that it does many things right. For those who don’t know about it, it basically every other turn based Japanese role-playing game but with a great story. For those who don’t know what that is, it’s a medieval game where you run in circles for 60 hours and stab living jello in the face to get money. Anyway the story is great and the main character, Ringabel( The main character is actually a girl named Agnes but she is far to stoic to count.) is so well written and lovable you just want to rip him out of the game and give him a bro hug. While the writing may be great there are a few problems in the story that Draco is going to lay down for you right here, audience.

Problem 1: During the story you find this windy nation(Chicago) where all the wind has vanished and now everyone is going to die. Eventually you restore their windyness and the people of Chicago love you. Sadly Chicago’s King does not and claims that the wind is till not there even though he is wearing a cape that is literally being blown by the wind. Did no one see this? His subjects were looking directly at him but still wouldn’t believe it until the oversized windmill started up. Honestly animator person who wanted to do a flowing cape, make sure it’s story appropriate.

Problem 2:Eventually you must go to a temple of fire. This fire temple is obviously underwater(it’s in a volcano). Draco actually feels the need to state that without the parenthesis as well; it’s in a volcano. Anyway this temple was a place a worship and yet it’s at least 50 feet underground and in a volcano. Supposedly the path to the temple above ground was blocked and you have to go through this underthing but somehow you end up on the ground floor of the temple. Draco is going to assume it wasn’t just people being to lazy o make the player go through 5 flights of stairs and that the temple is actually that far underground. That opens the question, why did they build it there and how did people get there in the first place. The main entrance is clearly linked to the underthing’s tunnel so why and how did the presumably inebriated architect get a job? This means the level designer was most likely just being lazy.

Problem 3: Probably the weakest problem but they do a murder mystery bit and don’t let you actually solve anything. Sure it’s a story but Draco, Ringabel, and Shawn Spencer from Psych knew the victim was the killer. They tried to divert us but we knew that the maid had faked her own death to distract us and pick everyone off one by one. Murder Mystery Rule #1 should be always behead the body. That way you know it’s actually dead. Actually people should just behead bodies. Everyone is all on about zombie apocalypses and such well it you behead the dead they aren’t going to break your bunker down now will they? Anyway they should have made it a little more interactive. Not a necessity but it would have been a nicety.

Problem 4: This isn’t really a problem but it made Draco feel a bit bad. The open with the cutest little fairy and it stars saying “Oh no, something bad, you’ll help right? I sense you’re the nicest and would never dream of not playing right now. I’m relying on you so please help Draco. I hear you’re the best and you’re the only one who can help. I mean if you don’t want to help that’s fine but we will all die and I’d be really disappointed. I understand either way.  Have a wonderful day you wonderful person you.” Immediately in Draco felt compelled to play all the time out of sheer guilt. They actually made the plea believable but it wasn’t some desperate plea it was a plea with the knowledge that Draco is a good person and he will help you no matter what. You can’t say no to a plea like that. That’s a plea you’ll get from a best friend who’s known you forever and knows they can rely on you. It was honestly hard to quit the game because it felt like abandoning a friend in need.

Claiming lands and Thanking the Academy


, , , ,

So now a large portion of the pacific ocean is protected by the United States. Draco hadn’t realized you could claim areas that sort of belong to everyone. Now there was a treaty passed that says you can’t claim empty space so Draco isn’t planning on doing that. Draco is planning on claiming very sparsely filled space. You see Outer Space is not actually empty. Therefore that treaty does not apply. Draco hereby claims Outer Space in all it’s not empty glory for Draconia. You want to go to mars? You gotta pay a toll buddy.

Draco hasn’t been able to blog lately because of these classes and their ceaseless requests for work. Draco still isn’t sure why the math class has both an online and ground component but luckily Khan Academy will make sure Draco does well. Thank you Khan Academy for teaching Draco maths well. It’s funny because Draco’s kooky Political Science Teacher introduced Draco to it. You’d have thought a Math teacher would have but whatever. The Poli-sci teacher also taught Draco to bury all the gold you own and then when you’re grandchildren want to fight over it make some sort of complicated riddle that they have to solve. Truly a wise sage of wisdom.

By “Your Hair Looks Nice” You Basically Mean “You Kick Puppies” You Terrible Person You, And Subliminal Comic Murder


, , , ,

Taking a leap of faith can be useful. “You really like this shower curtain with the dolphin on it? Well you’ll probably love this dolphin shaped soap dispenser”. That’s an ok jump right there. The hypothetical person seems to like bathroom items and dolphins so recommending a dolphin themed bathroom item is  perfectly reasonable. Today Draco read a not reasonable leap. This person was told they appear to have lost weight and were offended and said that it was just as offensive as if the person said oh you look very white today. That is a ridiculous jump more akin to “oh your name is Kevin; you must really like potatoes in a really demented and obsessive way”. The person admittedly wondered if they had gone a little (they went way too far) to far but still they were fine with it and it was even featured. That teaches anyone who wants to be featured that all they have to do is make ridiculous jumps. “Oh you wear buttons, you must love child labor then”. That’s a ridiculous claim, now watch the sheep flock in. Feel as an army of misguided fool starts tearing the button industry apart. It’ll be glorious and also really depressing and will hopefully never happen. Hopefully the misguided fools read to the end and didn’t just storm off at the quote. Imagine if they did just storm off. That would be bad.

Bitstrips Murder

Bitstrips is a really cheap comic thingy which can sometimes be cute. They all have these backgrounds which you can pick from and this is a recent one. This was supposed to be a joke about being lazy but look in the red rectangle Draco made for you. What does that look like you ask? a hand.

At the precipice of death I reached out; an empty attempt to stave off the jackals. While I have failed at least I made it into a comic poking fun at fast food eaters. That hath made this quest, and my life worth it.

It looks like someone is getting their last breath in while your character considers forgoing a healthier option. Honestly what the heck is this? Draco means there is distinct fingers. Someone actually had to intentionally do that. Weirdos.


Crying and Sky Polo


, , ,

So Draco has returned to a life of college-ing. It’s sad because 11 AM is no longer early in the morning. Hopefully someday 11 AM will return to being early in the morning but as of now there are roosters and whatever else is associated with early morning. Worms for instance. Speaking of worms Draco is doing calculus. It seemed hard at first but then Draco realized that Draco was doing next weeks work and that Draco in the past wouldn’t know how to do it. It’s funny when you don’t know how to do math because you’ve never done it before but what ya gunna do? Crying about it may be an option. In fact crying about it is an option in most cases. Making a sandwich? cry about it. Walking on the sidewalk? Cry about it. Crying too much? Cry about it. Unable to cry about it? Cry about it.

Draco heard this sky diving instructor say that sky diving wasn’t actually about jumping out of planes. Never would have guessed that one. Apparently skydiving, also known as a sport where one parachutes out of a plane is not actually about any of that at all. It’s probably bout water polo or some other water related activity. You hear skydiving and you know then and there that it is about water polo. Honestly how Draco didn’t see it before is baffling.


Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 186 other followers