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Remember that time Draco wrote a post about disliking Shadow of Mordor due to a setting full of bleak pointlessness,  flat Lord of the Rings Knockoff  characters, and the early death of the best orc nemesis Mr. Bird Mask the Deadheaded?  Well Draco bought the sequel, Shadow of War. Now you’re probably thinking, “Draco, you were unsatisfied with the first and then you bought the second?” and that’s a fair question. What you don’t know is that a Black Friday sale had it for very little. It seemed like they were trying to really get rid of them. So Draco picked it up along with a few other games and Draco decided to play this one before others in Draco’s backlog because if Draco didn’t like the first, there’d be a chance Draco’d just drop this one and move on to something else. If Draco started something Draco might love this’d still be something on the list or if Draco didn’t decide at all Draco might have just played Rimworld again and that wouldn’t be good for anyone involved. So Draco just shoved the disk in and then waited the several hours for it to install and update.

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It’s a good poem. Words to live by.

So when Draco started, you know, they do story stuff, blah blah blah, spoilers if you care, but it’s more of the same really. Shellob, the giant evil spider monster who terrified young Draco just as many things terrified young Draco( for example, the orc captain in Return of the King with his horrible ugly nightmare face), is a woman who Talion the protagonist finds very attractive. That’s sorta jarring, but then when other female characters showed up it seemed he was into all of them including a tree so at least we learn that Talion is down to smooch anything #StrongOrcGirlfriendForTalionNowPls . Not the point though!

So Draco was going through the story of Fake Aragorn and Casper the Ringmaker as they murder orcs because we haven’t gotten to the part where we mind control orcs and we go into an arena to fight because the unhelpful old guy has been taken hostage and definitely isn’t the obvious traitor. They bring out their champion, and when he dies in 3 seconds they bring out their other champion, and then when they die the gates open up and THIS GUY WALKS IN!

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What a twist. Draco didn’t see it coming. Middle-earth™_ Shadow of War™_20180203042037_1.jpg

Such a cool guy. Neck looks perfectly fine. It has a head on it which is definitely an improvement.

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It was very fun killing him again. and again. and again. and again.

But then he disappeared for a while and we made new friends.

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Thank you PS4 for ruining the majority of the screenshots.

That guy Draco forgot.

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The Mountain from Game of Thrones.

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A robot dinosaur.

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Children’s Art.

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At this point they had earn tons of good will. Just like Talion, Draco’s joy over seeing Bird Mask was unkillable. They’d have to force Draco to stop and we all know that wouldn’t happen, right?

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Of course then it happened.. There are some fates worse than loss of bird masks, such as infinite loading screens. Draco lost 15 hours to that loading screen. Not only that, it did something unforgivable.

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His weapon is no longer on fire. It was fine that in the first reappearance he was just significantly weaker and a different class because it scales to level and tracker went from a cool perk to a lame class but this was an insult that Draco didn’t notice until putting these screenshots in. This is how you know we film this show live, people. Luckily they couldn’t possibly screw up any worse…

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Wait let Draco equip his magnifying glasses…


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“Why did Draco use multiple The Office Gifs?” -Draco from a future time.






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Unless you chose a big ugly stupid mask over your cool bird mask that certainly doesn’t look like you followed directions. Are you having trouble understanding? Draco knows a guy who can help you fink about what you’ve done.

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But it wasn’t all bad. Despite making a bad decision, at least Kumail Nanjiani of Silicon Valley and other things stopped by to say hi.

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What a darn-tootin’ good cameo. Surely this guy will create fantastic narrative and we’ll have tons and tons of fun battles. Maybe Draco will even recruit them; make them the greatest general to ever not die. There is no way they’d die immediately to a rock crushing them or anything stupid like that.Middle-earth™_ Shadow of War™_20180209235604.jpg


Well he could always come back and say some cool lines assuming some necromancer doesn’t resurrect him into a screaming wordless zombie during a story mission or anything…

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Well surely someone is left to pick up the mantle of cool.

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Bolg the Deranged? A guy who just clicks his teeth very loudly for several minutes? No. Outfit’s pretty good but no. Just no.

Well, at least they didn’t all die in the beginning. Overall this game is much better. Definitely worth the money. Perverting one of the best character’s to ever be killed by Draco repeatedly did not diminish the fun. Even the setting which was essentially the same felt much nicer( probably thanks to improved and vibrant graphics along with the forts which when captured added random friends). Draco’d be up for a sequel.